[No. 055] The Project of Purpose, Life, & Grief

(February 19, 1982-March 17, 2020)

It's been five years since we lost my sister to brain cancer. When the world was consumed by COVID-19, our world was consumed by the experience of losing someone who was a friend, sister, cousin, niece, pastor, child, and grandchild to someone. During a time of chaos, panic, and the world shutting down, none of those moments crossed my mind with the circumstances my family and I faced. So many people lost someone they loved in 2020 and unfortunately most were due to the exposure to COVID-19. Although, the diagnosis of my sister was not the same as most, it was still an unexpected moment. One I never thought I would ever experience.

People say as time goes by, you heal and grief disappears but I'm here to say it doesn't. Grief will never disappear, we just cope with what reality has become and lean into God to do our best to accept the new reality we have to face. It's been five years since I've had a conversation with my sister and it's brutally difficult to realize the many more years I won't get to have a conversation with her. However, in the past five years, I sought God out more to find peace and understanding in what happened. There are so many "questions as to how and why" but not everything will be answered and understood in this lifetime.

My sister saved me more than I thought I was already saved by Jesus Christ. I know that sounded a bit odd, but what do I mean by this? I was settling in the comfort of what I thought was being saved by Jesus Christ. I was comfortable thinking my life before her passing would be acceptable enough to enter God's kingdom after this life. But I was wrong. The weekly church services, the church ministries, and the labeling of calling myself a Christian isn't enough without a heart willing to be a true follower of the Kingdom. In the ultimate brokenness in my life was where I chose to see God clearly, to seek after His purpose, and understand in such a difficult circumstance what God was trying to teach me.

Ultimately, I realized I was not fully projecting the lifestyle of the Kingdom. We get so comfortable in God's forgiveness, His love, our favorite line "we're just human", that we are forgetting that being a Christian and entering heaven means an ultimate transformation in this life to prepare us for the next. Transformation? It's truly living a lifestyle pleasing to God. No, I'm not talking about the things in the bible that we think are "rules" or "God wanting to control us", I'm talking about mimicking the character of Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ had the glorious power to do whatever He may have wanted to do when he was on earth but he chose to become human, to experience the pain, happiness, the choices we ourselves have to face. Christ came to be the example the world needed to know. He didn't say "I'm just human" and chose whatever path he found pleasing for himself. Jesus knew He was human and yet he chose to love the unlovable, forgive the unforgiveable, understand those who sometimes can't be understood. He came here to show us the road map to a better life.

I was stuck in the mindset that everything had to be done in this life. Every success had to be accomplished here, every heartache had to be healed here, every problem had to be fixed here, every disease had to disappear here. But those are not the important pieces to this life. This life will never be easy, it will never be perfect, but what I can say is the life after this is promised and that life is where I truly believe my sister is. Some can question and say I'm crazy for believing that, but what do you lose to believe there's a better life after this? For those who do believe but don't work on their relationship with God, what do you lose to follow God's intentions and purpose for us in this world? To put down your desires to follow His which ultimately is for us to enter into the perfection of His presence. To give us a life with no pain, worry, or disappointment.

My sister leaving this world so early in life was one of the biggest faith challenges I had to face. One that could make or break me, and I'm not going to lie, I was broken for awhile. I had a lot of questions about this God I believed in my whole life. But I chose to seek Him and I found Him. I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I realized that I wasn't the only one facing this grief but there were many more who had experienced, who were experiencing, or who will be experiencing a turn of events in their life. What the world and society has defined as "good" and "bad" isn't necessarily "good" or "bad" in the kingdom perspective.

Although, I am still feeling the heaviness of losing my sister, I am so thankful for the life she lived while she was on this earth. I draw inspiration from her life, the example, and legacy she left behind. I am in awe and inspired of what she accomplished in the 38 years of life she was given on this earth. Cancer took her but it didn't take her faith in God. She had the passion of Paul, the faith of Job, projected the character of Jesus Christ, and was after God's own heart like King David. And in the end, I'm sure, the Lord said, " Well done, good and faithful servant...enter into the Joy of your master." (Matthew 25:23)

Love you Ate, until we meet again <3